life and love

it has been a few days already i didn't say i love you to him. haih. i don't know why must i do this. i don't like it. but he's going to go KL to study. i dont know why i'm thinking so negatively. i hope i can be more positive =/ hmmmm. is this me? always think the negative side? sometimes i feel like take a knife and stab myself. and die! arghhh! i'm thinking of reducing my love towards him. so, if he fall in love with another girl when studying at KL then i won't feel so sad. i know i'm stupid. that's the only way so that i won't feel so hurt when he really do fall in love with another girl. can i do it? i really hope i can. now he's working so our sms time is getting lesser plus i have to stay back after school and tuition. i don't know what to do. can anyone tell me what should i do? my mum know that he wants to become a chef. then my mum said if he work here he won't get much money. i told her that he's going to work in cruise. she say if he work in cruise then he'll only come back a few times a year. and he have to 'separate with you'. but she said that quite soft. it's like her words make me think about my neighbour. her husband work in cruise as a chef. but he's rich. the bad things is he only come back to see them like twice a year? i can't do it. it's TWICE! i love him but the problem is things is getting worst. now we're not playing games because we feel that we keep arguing after playing. i don't know why. i hope we won't anymore. but nothing seems to work. today i saw a gown. at prangin. look like a wedding gown. it's so nice! i hope i can wear it. then i think about what he said. about our marriage and everything. it's so nice when discussing about that. but when thinking about the problems when becoming an adult, i don't want to grow up anymore. but i want to be free. i want to go out anytime i like. i know it's a funny thing to discuss about marriage when i'm still so young. and he's my first love only. love? what does love really mean? i really don't know what love means? is it about honesty? or is it about what? i hope i can forget everything and start my life again by knowing better people. not that i hate the people in my life right now. i just don't know what to do. i want to be a good girl. but what i do doesn't seems to be right. i can't be a good gf. that's for sure. i can't even handle myself. how can i be someone's gf. i'm a cry baby. i don't know how to do housework. i know nothing. i'm such a negative thinker. i don't know why i can be like that. i hope my relationship with him will be better. i said that if he did not fall in love with another girl when he's at KL then i'll give him back twice the love i'm going before this. i hope nothing will happen. hope my bears will help me when really he do fall in love with another girl there. i can't predict the future. so it's better i prepare. it's late already. guess i should off the computer and sleep. night!