my heart feel so pain right now! i feel like crying. but i don't want. i don't want to be a cry baby. i must be tough. but it's so pain. what can i do? why cant' everything be better? why every nice moments will gone because of a few words? i'm trying to think of the reasons. but i can't. is animal having a better life than human? they don't have to worry about anything except for food and shelter. they can do whatever they want. they don't have care about anyone feelings. they just care about their own feelings. they don't have to worry if someone will get hurt or not if they said something wrong. they don't have feelings. but if they don't have feelings how can they like another female animal? they can go anywhere they want. their parents do not care. not like my parents!!!!!!!!!!!!! i wish i could go anywhere freely. without asking anyone's permission. i wish i could be as far as i can go. i don't want to be here anymore. i don't like this place. how to get out of this place? is this a test from the God or what? i want to be him. but it seems that whatever i do for him is wrong. it's not i want to be protective. i can't help it. i trusted him for 3 times but he make me lose the trust towards him. maybe i'm not supposed to be with him. but i'm supposed to be with him. because he make me feel happy. and sad too. everything doesn't seems right now. i want a relationship that couples don't argue. i'm trying to eliminate everything that will cause us to argue but it won't work. it'll work for a few months. and then, he'll do it back. he will promise me and that. and then, after a while, he'll be giving all kinds of reason to go back to what he wanted at first that i asked him to promise. this is why we'll never stop argue about the same things because he wants it to be that way. i can be happy in front of everyone but deep inside my heart there's a part of it that's bleeding.

my friends tagged me. so i have to tag. will do it soon. soon means when i'm free and in mood to do that =) good night everyone. it's late already.

i hope tomoro will be a much better day than today. i think it'll be. i'll try to smile back as usual. i won't try. i'll do it =] P.S. I Love You my Darling. i hope you understand me better by reading this =]

i lie to my mum again =/ i'm a bad bad girl. i know i know. someone slap me =( MY FAVOURITE MOVIE~! i'm going to buy the movie. hehehe. i just went out with my beloved. we went to gurney as usual. then, there's this problem again. i don't like that. i want everything to be normal back. i just hate it. am i that hated? i mean, she's good in front of me but she say i have an attitude which she can't stand it. i don't know waht attitude she mean. i want to know yet i don't want. should we tell her bout her attitude or leave it? i know i'm not that good to other people. because i know i won't get back what i wanted them to give. i'll just let it be. naturally. if they feel that i'm that bad to them. i can be friends with other people. please do not act in front of me. i don't wan to lose a friend. but if that is what she give me back when i treat her as a friend then i don't think i'll care anymore =] just let them be the way they want to be. i don't want to care anymore. i will be the way i am last time. i'm happy with last time life. it's so so so mush better than nowadays life. and yea. i regret telling my mum about me having a bf. i can't concentrate on what i'm doing. i have to do all good things. i can't do a single bad things. if not she'll start saying, i don't know what happen to you. i'm like. me? what i did? i just want to do what i wanted. she just can't keep her mouth shut. and there's my dad. i'm fucking angry with him. he thinks i'm that super clever girl. i'm his daughter and he should know i'm not clever. i tried my best already and he keeps scolding me. if he's that clever, why don't he just go and study and show how good he is???????? can't i get away from this family and live with my bf. he'll treat me much better ler. so much better than them. he can give me what i want. ok. not everything ler. but at least, i can feel love in him. not my parents. they don't care about my feelings. friends, family. i'm just telling out my feelings. if you all don't like it then, i'm sorry.

life and love

it has been a few days already i didn't say i love you to him. haih. i don't know why must i do this. i don't like it. but he's going to go KL to study. i dont know why i'm thinking so negatively. i hope i can be more positive =/ hmmmm. is this me? always think the negative side? sometimes i feel like take a knife and stab myself. and die! arghhh! i'm thinking of reducing my love towards him. so, if he fall in love with another girl when studying at KL then i won't feel so sad. i know i'm stupid. that's the only way so that i won't feel so hurt when he really do fall in love with another girl. can i do it? i really hope i can. now he's working so our sms time is getting lesser plus i have to stay back after school and tuition. i don't know what to do. can anyone tell me what should i do? my mum know that he wants to become a chef. then my mum said if he work here he won't get much money. i told her that he's going to work in cruise. she say if he work in cruise then he'll only come back a few times a year. and he have to 'separate with you'. but she said that quite soft. it's like her words make me think about my neighbour. her husband work in cruise as a chef. but he's rich. the bad things is he only come back to see them like twice a year? i can't do it. it's TWICE! i love him but the problem is things is getting worst. now we're not playing games because we feel that we keep arguing after playing. i don't know why. i hope we won't anymore. but nothing seems to work. today i saw a gown. at prangin. look like a wedding gown. it's so nice! i hope i can wear it. then i think about what he said. about our marriage and everything. it's so nice when discussing about that. but when thinking about the problems when becoming an adult, i don't want to grow up anymore. but i want to be free. i want to go out anytime i like. i know it's a funny thing to discuss about marriage when i'm still so young. and he's my first love only. love? what does love really mean? i really don't know what love means? is it about honesty? or is it about what? i hope i can forget everything and start my life again by knowing better people. not that i hate the people in my life right now. i just don't know what to do. i want to be a good girl. but what i do doesn't seems to be right. i can't be a good gf. that's for sure. i can't even handle myself. how can i be someone's gf. i'm a cry baby. i don't know how to do housework. i know nothing. i'm such a negative thinker. i don't know why i can be like that. i hope my relationship with him will be better. i said that if he did not fall in love with another girl when he's at KL then i'll give him back twice the love i'm going before this. i hope nothing will happen. hope my bears will help me when really he do fall in love with another girl there. i can't predict the future. so it's better i prepare. it's late already. guess i should off the computer and sleep. night!